"In all of living have much fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured!"
~ Gordon B. Hinckley

Monday, January 16, 2012

Scattering Sunshine

Not gonna lie, I started off today feeling pretty sorry for myself. It's been an especially rough couple of weeks. And I mean a really especially rough couple of weeks. For me anyways. I started a post or two about it, but they were kind of depressing me even more and I didn't feel like finishing them. Those posts will come later maybe, but for now, suffice it to say there were many severe stomachaches, many medications that stopped providing relief, many stressful things, many meals I wasn't able to eat, many pounds that were lost, many things I didn't feel good enough to do, and many many many tears of frustration, hopelessness, discomfort, and just overall misery and endless woe. Ok...maybe that was a bit of an exaggeration...but only a little.

Trevor came down with a cold and stayed home in bed this morning instead of going to church. So I sat alone in Sacrament Meeting. I tried to pay attention, but ended up spending about half of the meeting lost in thought, reminiscing about how different things are now, and how much I miss my old life from a couple years ago. So many things have changed. Lots of them good, like being married to the love of my life for time and all eternity, graduating from BYU, losing stubborn unwanted weight that plagued my ballet years, getting a job and saving up money, I have a car now (ok actually it's a truck, and it's my uncle's, but I have access to it :), moving on and starting the next chapter of my life...etc. But in moving on, I had to leave a lot behind. Plus now there's the plague of the persistent nausea ruining everything.

Really, even more than being homesick for my previous life, I guess I'm really homesick for the girl I used to be. Growing up, circumstance, and sickness has kind of turned me into someone else.

I used to be this girl.

Always ready to rummage through old boxes in the basement and spontaneously dress up as a pioneer/robinhood/superhero and pose for a random kitchen photo shoot just because, and prance around in the kitchen while whipping up a quadrillion batch of my beloved chocolate chip cookies and singing Disney songs and girly love songs, and then burning a bunch because I would run into the living room after eating gobs of cookie dough to play the piano while the cookies baked. Always dancing, smiling, laughing, girly, happy, and on top of my world.

Well, I don't do that anymore. It's like I've spent so much time being sick, that it's been too hard to be Karin anymore. I miss her.

Eating junk food isn't nearly as fun now that it makes me sick all the time. I work with a bunch of guys all day, and my girliness has been methodically smothered over time. My manager at work flat out refused to let me request one night a week off, or even one hour a week, so ballroom lessons stopped. And now that I'm not in ballroom classes since I graduated, that wonderful part of my life has been fading into just a memory for the past year. I did manage to start going to ballet once a week when my work schedule permitted, but my nausea issues have been robbing me of that lately. I don't dress up anymore. There doesn't seem to be much point. I haven't really even spent that much time on my appearance at all lately since I know I'll just look and smell gross once I get to work anyways. Trevor is gone a lot. At work, in classes, or on campus doing homework in study groups. That leaves me home alone when I'm not at work. I usually don't feel all that great, so when I'm at home a lot of my time is spent on facebook, watching TV shows on Netflix, and lying around feeling rotten and sick and wishing things were different. On the rare occasion that me and Trevor are both free at the same time, our plans are usually inhibited at least somewhat by me not feeling that great. I'm a lot more hesitant to go out and do things now that I've learned I can't trust my stomach to feel good from one minute to the next, and being sick is waaay worse when I'm not at home.

It's been long and hard and it has worn me down a lot.

After my pity-party Sacrament Meeting, I headed off to Sunday School and Relief Society. In the last meeting we sang hymn 230 - Scatter Sunshine. I wasn't paying much attention to the words I was singing. Then as I started the last chorus, I looked back and read what I had just sung:

When the days are gloomy,
Sing some happy song;
Meet the world’s repining
With a courage strong.
Go with faith undaunted
Thru the ills of life;
Scatter smiles and sunshine
O’er its toil and strife.
Scatter sunshine all along your way.
Cheer and bless and brighten
Ev’ry passing day.
Scatter sunshine all along your way.
Cheer and bless and brighten
Ev’ry passing day.
Then I remembered how much I love the Sunshine hymns. They have always been my favorites. My mom used to call me "little miss sunshine" when I was little, or "smiles and sunshine", just like it says in the hymn. Something that is stated several times in my patriarchal blessing, as well as my baby blessing, and in other priesthood blessings from various people through the years, is that I have been blessed with the Spiritual gift of Joy. It hasn't really felt like it for awhile, but it's still true. And now it's time to start scattering smiles and sunshine over my toil and strife, and eventually start focusing on cheering and brightening others' days instead of just moping around because I think I'm having a hard time.

I got a referral from my doctor to start seeing a specialist, and my EGD is only 3 weeks away. I'm also scheduling an appointment with an allergist for as soon as possible, so hopefully some answers will start trickling in, and ideally, with them will come relief and recovery! I also FINALLY finished my last day working at Costco, and I start an internship tomorrow that I'm hoping will be a great start to a new career path that I am much more suited for, and I will start teaching ballet classes soon! The cost of all these medical things has been really weighing on my mind, especially now that I don't have a source of income, but Trevor started his taxes, and it looks like we should be getting a nice amount back that will cover my expenses (well, the ones we are predicting at the moment) and be enough to buy me a nice camera like I was dreaming of getting! My stomach was also very nice to me today and let me eat much more than it has in a long long while and it was wonderful! Aaaaand I baked up a batch of my chocolate chip cookies again for the first time in quite a long time (and I ate several of them without feeling like I was about to throw up, which pretty much blew my mind), and I played the piano while they baked, just like old times. And there may have been a bit of kitchen dancing in there too :)

It's been rough for me this past year or two, but you know what? Things. Will. Get. Better. I know they will. They might have to get a whole lot worse before they do, but they will. The ball is starting in motion, so I just need to keep it going! And scatter some sunshine while I'm at it :)

1 comment:

  1. Life gets better! Hoping mine continues to do so too.